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Post by Epworth Hatter on May 2, 2019 15:19:36 GMT
[at couple's counselling]
"She says I take everything too literally."
"And when you hear that, how do you feel?"
"With my hands, mostly."
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Post by Epworth Hatter on May 2, 2019 15:20:38 GMT
Not sure if we've had this one before but...Took my wife to the doctors yesterday to get her tourettes checked out, it's been getting worse and worse over the past week or so.................Turns out she's not got it!! I am a c*nt and she does want me to f*ck off after all!! Yep, we'd definitely have remembered if we'd had that one before, cf!
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2019 9:34:18 GMT
Barca ultras are planning revenge on Liverpool for the return leg by pushing locals into a job centre.
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Post by countyfan on May 3, 2019 10:34:46 GMT
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking sh*t from some as*hole.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
My computer's got Miley Virus. It's stopped twerking.
My girlfriend tried to make me have s*x on the bonnet of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have s*x, it's going to be on my own Accord.
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Post by Epworth Hatter on May 4, 2019 6:20:14 GMT
As it’s May the fourth...
What do you get if you cross Star Wars with a spaghetti western?
Chewin'tabacca
(Mayhew rest in peace, chewie)
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2019 1:17:59 GMT
I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2019 0:01:58 GMT
Weight Loss Program. A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week.
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2019 0:13:10 GMT
The wife's crashed the car again.
She said the bloke she hit was on his mobile drinking a can of beer.
The police said he can do what he wants in his living room.
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Post by Epworth Hatter on May 10, 2019 6:45:25 GMT
“Go Downtown, see if I care” - Petulant Clark
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Post by Epworth Hatter on May 10, 2019 7:24:06 GMT
I'll tell you who gets a bad rap.
Anyone who asks me to do a rap
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Post by hatter_in_macc on May 10, 2019 9:39:35 GMT
“Go Downtown, see if I care” - Petulant Clark And don't bother coming home - you can sleep in the subway, darling.
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Post by Epworth Hatter on May 18, 2019 7:59:42 GMT
My wife says my two main problems are that I only hear what I want to hear, and I’m too good in bed.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2019 13:07:55 GMT
Went to a job interview today.
He said it was $30 an hour but goes up to $60 an hour in 6 months.
He asked me when I could start.
I said in about 6 months.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2019 11:16:31 GMT
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm.
I gave her superglue by mistake.
She's still not talking to me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2019 4:28:10 GMT
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