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Post by bringbacklenwhite on Apr 16, 2014 14:37:58 GMT
Bonjour, buxom bretheren of blissful banter,
CHAOS Week B hits the trail.
Bewilder us with bucket-loads of bumptiousness and bravado. Brash belligerence or blemished blarney, bizarre bemusements and besotted bowdlerisms to bring a boon of booty and boundless bluffness.
Do your worst.
ARS will chose who "The Mantle of Brilliance" is passed to. (Think of it in a Game of Thrones way - whoever dons it cops for it big time in about 3 pages time).
away you go.
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Post by bringbacklenwhite on Apr 16, 2014 14:54:01 GMT
Barrow (AWAY)
Another Macca and Lennie Roadtrip (this time with Macca Jnr and Fudgie kicking along).
From the Workington story you may have judged that I am a magnet for the "local nutter" At Barrow it happened again.
Having picked up my 3 passengers at our secret meeting point (next to Broughton Church, just off the M6/M55 junction - north of Preston) we headed north west for the wilds of Furness.
Yes, Asda was open and, yes, we consumed our pizinis (cross between a pizza and panini apparently). An early arriving had given us a little time to spare and Macca suggested visiting the club shop (actually a little room in the main stand). A local league game was in progress on the old Barrow training ground next to the main pitch which we decided to watch for a few minutes after buying the shop out of stock (think we spent about £8 between us).
It was a mistake to ask the guy next to me who was playing. Not only did I find out that Barrow Ship Yard Welders 3rd Team were playing Holker Hotspur Reserves (I may have made that up) but I was then given a pen picture of every player on the pitch by my "new friend".
He went on to regale me with the fact that he used to play centre half for Barrow Reserves himself, followed by a blow by blow account of every centre forward he had kicked, punched, elbowed or disembowled during his career. After 15 minutes I managed to sneak away as he was still talking, oblivious to the fact that I had disappeared.
The highlight of the game we watched for a while was a free-kick on the edge of the area, where I suggested the rather portly goalkeeper would have made a better defensive wall than the 5 scrawny oiks in front of him. The resulting strike at goal failed to bother the wall, the goalkeeper, the bar and posts and even the 30 foot netting behind the goal as it sailed out in the distance never to be seen again.
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Post by bringbacklenwhite on Apr 16, 2014 15:06:23 GMT
Barrow (Away) Part 2
Same game slightly later on.
Fudge, Macca, Macca Jnr and I were stood behind the goal next to the changing room tunnel (a metal cage dissecting the stand in half). Next to the cage was a yellow zigzag no go area "roped off" with motorway tape. The rather elderly steward informed us that on no account must we encroach into that jaundiced coloured area on pain of death, eviction from the ground or being forced to live in Barrow for the rest of our lives. Apparently the club didn't want abuse, spit, beer and other items of encouragement being unleashed on the players leaving and entering the arena.
A little later we were amused to see a couple of guys in tracksuit tops (complete with Barrow badges displayed) go and stand in this "no-go area". The steward eventually made his way over to them and rather politely told them that they couldn't stay there as he "didn't want the players being intimidated in any way" as the half came to a close. To which the shorter of the two miscreants retorted "I'm hardly likely to do that, am I ? I'm the bl****y Barrow kit man !"
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Post by sirroger on Apr 16, 2014 16:16:10 GMT
Bredbury Hall
Some of the activities undertaken there could be construed to be sport related, that's if you consider chasing after the opposite sex a sport. Some may see that as a pleasurable pastime, some may see it as a down right vocation. Anyway, in this particular regard it serves only as a venue for an occasion recalled from the late 80's.
One particular Saturday night, I happened to be there, not sure the reason why, but I was there, along with a few of my mates. Must have been for purely educational purposes only (to protect the integrity of myself & the unnamed friends of mine).
It was busy as usual, bars busy and clearly, some 'sporting activities' already under way. Music was loud, the dance floor busy all, including myself and my friends, having a good old time and of course, not forgetting to make copious notes for the aforesaid educational purposes as we went along.
County had played earlier, can't remember who against or the score and maybe we had decided to frequent this venue to drown our sorrows, or maybe to celebrate. Yes, probably to celebrate.
While circulating in a shark like manor around the place and edging towards the dance floor, just to look what's going on of course, "Love Shack" by the B-52's came booming out and the dance floor suddenly began to clear as Dave Logan took control, miming the song, the moves, the whole kit and kaboodle. He was fantastic. He looked slightly the worse for drink, but impressive nevertheless.
At the end of the song, he got applause from several, including me. He gave it everything, the way he played football in fact. A no nonsense full back and one of my favourite players around at that time. He moved on from County in 1990, but he left an indelible mark on me and every time I hear "Love Shack", I think of Dave Logan.
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Post by Epworth Hatter OLD account on Apr 16, 2014 17:27:20 GMT
But ref…
I was playing for my school team in a local competition one Saturday (some time in the early 90’s). There were lots of school teams there and we played a series of round robin games (15 minutes each way, I think) with the best 4 teams going onto the semi-finals.
We were pretty average as a team. Not the best, but by no means the worst, so we were hopeful of doing quite well.
My position was goal keeper. I ended up as a goal keeper on account of me being the tallest and, perhaps more significantly, having the least regard for my own personal safety.
I remember the weather was pretty bad. It wasn't raining but it had been for the last 2 weeks. The pitches were like a quagmire with very little grass on show.
Our first game was against a local school we knew quite well. It wasn't exactly a grudge match but they had a striker who was miles quicker and more skillful than anyone else on the pitch. Not a big deal, until you realise that he was the best player and he knew it and enjoyed telling everyone else.
So, I knew I was going to be kept pretty busy in goal.
There were three notable moments in the match. The first was after about 5 minutes when the super-striker/t*sser was played in behind our defence. It was a one on one and he didn't usually miss these opportunities. I made a blinding double save and managed to get the ball away. Round 1 to me.
Second was when they were awarded a penalty as the start of the second half. I’d like to say it was dubious, but it wasn't. Our centre back cropped their player like a good ‘un. The slippy-slidey-muddy pitch didn't help, but it was a stonewaller. Of course, super striker/t*sser was the man to take the penalty. And I was the super keeper who saved it! Round 2 to me.
And then with about 2 minutes left he was played in behind our defence again; another one on one. There was no way I was going to let them win it at the end, especially to him! So, I ran out of my goal to close him down, his control let him down on the soggy pitch, so I kept running. I dived at his feet at full pelt and got to the ball first before he flipped over me and into the mud. I rose to accept my hero welcome only to hear the ref blow his whistle and point at my goal. Nooooooooo! I wasn't having this!
Me: “But ref, I clearly got there first!” Ref: “I know” Me: “But ref, I never touched him – he just dived over me!” Ref: “I know” Me: “But ref, it can’t be a penalty, I got the ball!” At this point I helpfully held the ball up in his face so he could see it. Ref: “I know. I haven’t given a penalty” Me: “What?” Ref: “Son, look where you are standing”
So I looked around. At this point I could also hear all my team mates and opposition players laughing, quite loudly.
I looked down and saw that I was about 6 feet outside the penalty box. In running and diving on the muddy pitch my momentum had taken me way out of the penalty box.
Me: “Oh” Ref: “Son, it’s a free kick for hand ball. You’re lucky I've not given you a red card. But I’m about to change my mind, so give me the ball and get back in goal.” Me: “Yes, sir”
Cue more laughter.
Anyway super striker/t*sser skied the free kick over the bar and we ended up in a not so dull 0-0 draw.
It took me a long time to live that one down!
Note: the ref is not my father, nor I his son. He just called everyone 'son' for some reason.
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Post by gazz on Apr 16, 2014 18:32:08 GMT
Excellent, Eps, another gem!
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Post by gazz on Apr 16, 2014 18:42:49 GMT
BallsThe Mitre Mouldmaster (I know I've posted this before on Yuku, and it was shamelessly lifted from a St Mirren fans forum, but it's too brilliant to be left to rot in internet oblivion): "Ah, the wonderful "mouldie".
You get to high school (in my case St Aelred's) and for the last few weeks of the summer you are sent running round the grounds during your double PE. October comes and out you go to the basketball court, then it is gymnastics till christmas.
Then the fun starts, January arrives ( a real january, not the sub-tropical nonsense we get today) and we at last get to play footie. the temperature is a baw-hair above freezing and the psychopath appointed as the PE teacher announces that we are to brave the 60 mph breeze and horizontal hail stones and play "bibs v skins". You turn blue, then purple, and then a previously undiscovered shade of grey as you trot out on the field of dreams. Then someone rolls the ball in front of the freak that looks as though someone has made a mistake on his birth certificate. A 12 year old with a moustache and a serious height and weight advantage over every teacher in school. He cant tie his laces or stop the drool from soaking his semmit, but my he can hit a mouldie. From five yards away he cannons a shot into the inside of you thigh, you tried to evade it but the cold stops your legs from responding properly. Oh the pain. Women who complain about the pain of childbirth should be taken outside, hosed down with icy water for ten minutes then hit with a mouldie. Then they will truly know pain.
My eyes are still watering and somehow writing it all down doesnt seem to help. Mines is a scarred generation."I know it doesn't count as my anecdote, but it's an absolute classic nonetheless! For the purposes of credit, it was taken from a brilliant post by the user 'spirit of 77' on the St Mirren 'blackandwhitearmy' forum: www.blackandwhitearmy.com/forums/index.php/topic/12556-plastic-footballs/?p=250119
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Post by archie on Apr 17, 2014 8:15:54 GMT
Billingham Synthonia The loose County connection is that they were our first opponents in the run to the FA Cup 5th round in 1949/50. Of much more interest is their unique status as the only English club named after an agricultural fertiliser. Rejoicing in the nickname of The Synners, famous ex-players include Brian Clough, Bernie Slaven and Craig Hignett.
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Post by Admin on Apr 17, 2014 8:42:47 GMT
Buxton (away):
This may well be a match of great historical significance for County Heaven. It was of course the first ever arranged meeting of heaveners, the attendees that day were myself, Sheff, Bolly and CountyTom.
We started off meeting up in a pub in Buxton who's name has gone from my memory, we had a few pints in there before going to another pub and having a couple more before taking on the monumental task of climbing the enormous hill from town centre to ground. Those familiar with Buxton will know what hill I mean.
We finally got into the ground and had a wander round and noticing a recently released Adam Griffin training with the County players, we enquired to McStay who was Random Scottish Coach at the time, he obviously hinted that Griff was back, curiously he didn't sign....
The game was underway and within minutes two sets of utter cretins were fighting with each other, not long after order had been restored Buxton got a penalty that was superbly saved by Glennon in the County goal.
It evades me who scored County's 1st, I feel it was Martin Gritton but the 2nd one was a brilliant near post, top corner strike from Sean McConville who was building the illusion he was a good footballer. The match eventually finished 2-0 to County.
After the game we managed to stick around for pictures with Hamann and Lynch, in doing this we also inadvertently met two other heaveners in Maccy and Pouchy.
The day ended with us going to another pub and finding out the sad news that Amy Winehouse had died and the victim list for the Norwegian shootings had been confirmed and released.
Finally after a 45 minute wait me and Sheff boarded the train back to Stockport, I found out he was a Flyers fan, he found out I was a Canucks fan and the relationship was never as strong again.
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Post by archie on Apr 17, 2014 10:39:42 GMT
bblw Abbreviation for CH stalwart who has been the originator of many innovative and long-running threads. Favourite habitat the golf course particularly the bar and the bunker.
Alternatively..
method of getting out at cricket as annotated by a dyslexic scorer.
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Post by bringbacklenwhite on Apr 17, 2014 11:00:32 GMT
Excellent stuff Archie, Thank you very much.
My first, and only ever, first ball dismissal was bblw in the Derbyshire and Cheshire League Junior Final vs Poynton, c1970 :-
Bollocks Before Leg Wicket !! Very sore and very aggrieved about that one.
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Post by archie on Apr 17, 2014 11:07:52 GMT
Bernard and Brendan The 2 chairmen who have been responsible for the best times watching County in the last 50 years.
Victor Bernard was an extrovert. It was probably no coincidence that he took over as chairman 2 days after County beat Bristol Rovers in a cup replay to earn a trip to Anfield. He always had an eye for the main chance but he put so much energy and commitment in to County that, although the club finished bottom of Division 4 that season, everyone seemd to feel that a corner had been turned and it was only a mild surprise that the league title was won a little over 2 years later. He was responsible for the Go Go County days, Friday nights at EP and other innovations that kept the club in the limelight.
Brendan Ellwood was/is a businessman first and foremost so one can only guess at what he saw in a club that was in the lower reaches of Division 4 when he took over. Certainly, few at the time would have predicted the heady days that featured in the next 10 years. Some of his ideas were unpopular but he was well aware that in the upper reaches of the league you have to be like a shark and keep moving to survive.
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Post by gazz on Apr 17, 2014 12:09:26 GMT
Bernard and BrendanThe 2 chairmen who have been responsible for the best times watching County in the last 50 years. Victor Bernard was an extrovert. It was probably no coincidence that he took over as chairman 2 days after County beat Bristol Rovers in a cup replay to earn a trip to Anfield. He always had an eye for the main chance but he put so much energy and commitment in to County that, although the club finished bottom of Division 4 that season, everyone seemd to feel that a corner had been turned and it was only a mild surprise that the league title was won a little over 2 years later. He was responsible for the Go Go County days, Friday nights at EP and other innovations that kept the club in the limelight. Brendan Ellwood was/is a businessman first and foremost so one can only guess at what he saw in a club that was in the lower reaches of Division 4 when he took over. Certainly, few at the time would have predicted the heady days that featured in the next 10 years. Some of his ideas were unpopular but he was well aware that in the upper reaches of the league you have to be like a shark and keep moving to survive. Excellent, archie!
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Post by bringbacklenwhite on Apr 17, 2014 15:22:47 GMT
Boots
Green, yellow, purple, orange (tangerine in Blackpool) - what next pink !!!
I was watching the Man City - Sunderland game last night (a late birthday present from my season ticket holding big brother) and half way through the game I realised what it was that made Lee Catermole stand out (apart from the fact that he didn't get booked or sent off). Not only did he have his shirt tucked in - but he was wearing black boots. What a novelty !
Can you remember you first pair ? Mine were handed down, leather soled, ankle covering, brown leathered lumps weighing half a ton each. They came complete with nailed in wooden (yes, wooden) studs. First bought pair were Woolworth's own St Crispin Wing's (with Sir Stanley Matthews autograph on the side).
Having given these the once over my Grandad exclaimed "You can't play football properly in carpet slippers like that".
Metal studs, plastic studs, moulded or screw in. Even rotating studs ! Blades, numbered power points, Adidas, Gola, Nike and so on. Which were your favourites ?
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Post by gazz on Apr 17, 2014 15:38:42 GMT
Great piece, Lennie, and good to see Catermole has his ego in check if not his discipline!
My favourite boots were a pair of black, screw-in stud Quasar Gary Linekers, a quality pair!
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