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Post by sandbachhatter on Jul 29, 2014 7:59:07 GMT
Welcome to County Heaven's new source for World News - The County Heaven Chronicle.
Whilst the stories reported may not be entirely accurate, or even slightly accurate, hopefully they will provide some light relief. The idea is that we will take it in turns to report on events around the country and, indeed, the world, and when each Heavener has finished their piece they will then nominate another member and choose their topic for them.
So, without further ado, here's Sandy's Sensationally Stupid Sporting Scoops.....
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Thanks generic introduction guy.
The big news this week is that loveable rogue Sepp Blatter, 94, is reportedly thinking of switching the host nations for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups around in order to try and resolve the current furore surrounding both Russia and Qatar. His reasoning being that, by 2022, everyone will have perhaps forgiven Russia for their terrible human rights violations, war crimes and racism and, if not, there's a good chance they'll have ended the world in some nuclear meltdown anyway so it won't matter. Mr Blatter (middle name Tic) also commented that he has it on good authority from the Overlords that the weather in Qatar is likely to be considerably cooler in 2018, before heating up again as we approach 2022. When asked to explain this theory, bearing in mind weather can only be accurately predicted around one week in advance, let alone 4-8 years, SB refused to talk further, dribbled, then fell over.
Closer to home, yet sticking with insufferable morons, Joey Barton is reportedly in the finishing stages of writing his first book - The Secret Football - which is a children's story about... a secret football. In no way based on the books 'The Secret Footballer', apparently, Mr Barton has promised a rollercoaster story about a football who travels around the country with his owner, a wizard boy, who ends up visiting a chocolate factory before going into space to fight the Galactic Empire. Mr Barton has also, we are informed, done his own illustrations for the book, having been given a Crayola set last Christmas.
Sticking with the Premier League, there was outrage this week at the FA when it was reported that a Premier League footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has slept with his own wife. More details will follow once we have them.
And the Premier League is also in hot water over season ticket prices, which are apparently set to soar to record levels over the next few years. The most expensive ground will be The Emirates, where prices are set to average £22,500 by 2020. In fact, of the current Premier League clubs as we go into the 2014-15 season, the only club not to announce a price hike is Burnley, who have admirably decided to freeze prices for the next 25 years, sticking with 'the blood of your first born' and 'a night with your sister-wife' as the fixed tariffs in all home areas of the ground. Away prices will also remain £15.
Southampton's fire sale is nearly complete, as yet more players leave the South coast club before the start of the new season. The Saints are now well on their way to achieving their target of having no players left by the start of the campaign.
And lastly, speaking of the South coast, there have been some interesting developments in the Conference North and South where it has been decided to move the 'line' between the two divisions to somewhere in the English Channel. The Conference South will now predominantly feature two teams - St Helier and St Peter Port - while the Conference North will be made up of the 44 teams previously comprising the two divisions. The season kicks off on 16th August as Havant & Waterlooville travel the short 700 mile round trip to Barrow in our early kick off.
That's it from me. Now it's over to Hatter in Macc for news from the economy in "Maccy's Money". Maccy?
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Post by another_ruined_saturday on Jul 29, 2014 17:52:35 GMT
Sticking with the Premier League, there was outrage this week at the FA when it was reported that a Premier League footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has slept with his own wife. More details will follow once we have them. that, in particular, is Onion-worthily accurate satire. superinjunction-tastic! |
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Post by gazz on Jul 29, 2014 19:34:58 GMT
Sticking with the Premier League, there was outrage this week at the FA when it was reported that a Premier League footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has slept with his own wife. More details will follow once we have them. that, in particular, is Onion-worthily accurate satire. superinjunction-tastic! Agreed, straight from the Daily Mash book of humour! |
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Post by bigfudge on Jul 29, 2014 21:42:11 GMT
That is fantastic Sandy! Truly hilarious!
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Post by sandbachhatter on Jul 30, 2014 13:34:02 GMT
"Sorry about that, it seems we've lost our connection with Maccy but we'll be trying to get him back as soon as possible. Perhaps in the meantime, we can go live to Gazza for his round up of the latest technology we lovingly call "Gazza's Gadgets"? Now, Gazza, I understand you've been road-testing the new Samsung Galaxy and you did try to text a brief report to us but it didn't make any sense? What's the predictive text like on this little beauty?"
[stands well back and ducks for cover...]
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Post by hatter_in_macc on Jul 30, 2014 13:42:21 GMT
Apologies for being dilatory on the reporting front, but 'Maccy's Money Ventures' are just a tad tied up at present dealing with an outrageously healthy response to the CH Sponsorship Appeal!
Will be back in the studio shortly...
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Post by sandbachhatter on Jul 30, 2014 13:44:23 GMT
Fully understood Maccy and there's no rush. We still have Big Fudge's Big Weather and Lennie's Literary Review to keep us going in the meantime should Gazza's connection also be a tad fragile - bloody Samsung...
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Post by gazz on Jul 30, 2014 14:34:05 GMT
, Sandy. Id was otherwise engagers. Samsung galaxy phones you say? Week, let me being by first saucy that I've had nothing but trial with the lurker bears, no matey what I row on them, I end up having to Chevy ther Matthew majority of contract, resulting in a large amount IDF drayage, but to mention almost throwing these trying through these window. In aidy, don't but one, they are for nimbler fingered teenagers, not myself aged anger merchants liner myself. I hooked this'd had helped others who wetted considering purchasing a galaxy phone, bury is you still wish to but one, don't say I didn't warm you.  |
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Post by sandbachhatter on Jul 30, 2014 15:02:15 GMT
Erm, thanks for that Gazza! There's more from his technology round up next week when he tries out the latest in chocolate fireguards.
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Post by gazz on Jul 30, 2014 15:09:55 GMT
Erm, thanks for that Gazza! There's more from his technology round up next week when he tries out the latest in chocolate fireguards.  |
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Post by gazz on Jul 30, 2014 15:14:22 GMT
I think they should change the name of that range of phones to Stansung Galaxy Unwin! Deep joy!  for younger viewers unwinfamiliar with the ways of Stanley:  |
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Post by bringbacklenwhite on Jul 30, 2014 16:03:08 GMT
Len's Literary Library coming up tomorrow.
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Post by another_ruined_saturday on Jul 30, 2014 21:40:55 GMT
bit of polari is that?
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Post by another_ruined_saturday on Jul 30, 2014 21:42:05 GMT
, Sandy. Id was otherwise engagers. Samsung galaxy phones you say? Week, let me being by first saucy that I've had nothing but trial with the lurker bears, no matey what I row on them, I end up having to Chevy ther Matthew majority of contract, resulting in a large amount IDF drayage, but to mention almost throwing these trying through these window. In aidy, don't but one, they are for nimbler fingered teenagers, not myself aged anger merchants liner myself. I hooked this'd had helped others who wetted considering purchasing a galaxy phone, bury is you still wish to but one, don't say I didn't warm you. 'a clockwork orange' for the modern age. anthony burgess would consider you his droog... |
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Post by bringbacklenwhite on Jul 30, 2014 21:43:18 GMT
Had to looked polari up in google. I am shocked !! Truly shocked. |
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