CHAOS - Too. Week G

Gouck Andy

Early 1990's - a young lad called Andy Gouck played in mid-field for Blackpool. The team was languishing in the wrong end of the football pyramid and there was little expectation of the team, either collectively or individually.

I remember one particular game (another of our Quid-A-Kid matches) when nothing was going right for the poor young lad. The match was extremely poor (no idea who the opposition was) and the more Andy tried the worse it became. Mis-placed passes, over-hit shots, scuffed corners, you have the picture.

However, the highlight of the game was a running commentary from a Welsh Blackpool supporter, stood quite close to us.
Please do the accent yourself---------
"Gouck you're useless", "Gouck you're crap", "Gouck, you can trap the ball further than I can pass it", "Get off the pitch Gouck, you're a waste of space" and so on and so on for 80 minutes or so. Most of it fully deserved and full of expletives.

At the height of this one-man abuse the inevitable happened. As the game bumbled it's way to a 0-0 draw our "hero" picked up the ball in his own half, somehow beat three opponents and unleashed a piledriver from all of 35 yards. It screamed into the net leaving the opposition keeper grasping thin air. The "Scratching Shed" (popular side)exploded with noise.

Exit stage left one humbled Welshman hiding his head in shame as all the youngsters around us began singing "Handy, Handy, Andy".

Golf

Love the game and have done since I was a kid.

Used to caddy at Reddish Vale Club in the days when City hero Mike Doyle was a regular. 'Comp' days were good pay days, but 36 holes in a day was knackering. I recall one day in particular whilst on caddy duties, my 'golfer for the day' asked me for my thoughts on his next approach shot and whether a 6 or 7 iron would do the trick. Even to this day, I've no idea why he asked me, did he think I was instrumental in course design, or that I knew every contour of the bloody place. Now I know how Steve Williams or Fanny Sunesson feel when they get it wrong, well Steve Williams anyway. Of course I opted for what turned out to be the wrong club, the dreaded 6 iron, too much club as the ball hurtled beyond the green, bouncing on the road between the Golf Club & Reddish Vale School, never to be seen again. This did not sit  well with my 'golfer for the day' who didn't speak to me again until virtually the end of the round. B******.

Later I dabbled with playing the game, but I much preferred the less detailed format of 'pitch and putt' (rather than the full blooded assault course, all day hackathon) and still do now. Bruntwood Park was always a regular venue, including numerous competitions organised through work. Arrive asap after five, a trophy to the winner and then get rat ar*ed in the White Hart thereafter. I won the 'trophy' a couple of times, I say trophy, but it was the size of an egg cup. Cherished nontheless.

Another venue high on the list for pitch and putt fanatics is the tricky 18 hole par 3 course at Heaton Park, Manchester which runs adjacent to the main course there. I've played it many a time, but the 13th May 2011 stands out head and shoulders above the rest. Picked my mate up from Walkden, which is a good job, because that's where he lives and got to the course nice and early before the united t-shirt brigade and family groups including the 8 or 9 year old hacker, the mother who clearly wishes she was elsewhere and of course the father who for some reason, feels it necessary to bring one of the small golf bags and three or four clubs. Not neccessary, it's big but a wedge and putter is sufficent. Carrying a bag on there is silly, very silly.

The first nine at Heaton Park are relatively straightforward whilst the back nine are more tricky. I think it's the 14th where the green is over a hill, so it's a blind shot from the tee. A great advantage when playing with someone who hasn't been before. Anyway, I digress. We arrive to an almost empty course and nobody waiting on the first. I tee off (as defending champion, yes I beat my mate the last time we played so it's golfing etiquette). I start with a par 3, which is good, as does my mate. Onto the second, feeling good. An easy tee to green, with little hazard. On the green for one and two putts for a par.

Now to the highlight of the day, my golfing career and a cherished event that will stay with me, probably for ever. My honour to tee off again. The third is about 60 yards, down hill to a large green, no bunkers but the green slopes off at the back and from the tee you just see the top of the flag. My wedge meets ball and moves majestically in a straight line, lands short of the green and begins to roll towards the flag. I don't see it go beyond the flag, or anywhere on the green. Still waiting for sight of the ball, my mate shouts 'that's in!! 'balls' I reply as he tees off and we see his shot land on the edge of the green. A good shot. Walking down to the green, I said 'It may be close you know'. 'It's f'in in' came the reply. As we got closer, the green, flag and hole were now in full view. We looked at each other. My ball was in the hole. I'd got my very first hole in one.

Like Faldo, or Seve, or Tiger, I picked it out, finger and thumb, kisssed it and held it aloft, turning to accept the roar of appreciation from the packed imaginary grandstands.

Did I collapse for the rest of the round?, no I did not. The following is my card, verified, signed and dated by my playing partner. How can I recall the score for each hole?, simple. The scorecard is framed and on the kitchen wall:-

1. 3 10. 5
2. 3 11. 3
3. 1 12. 3
4. 3 13. 3
5. 2 14. 2
6. 3 15. 6
7. 3 16. 3
8. 5 17. 3
9. 3 18. 3
    --     --
   26     31

A grand total of 57 and a grand day of golf.

Gentlemanly Conduct

County v Fulham: 1st January 2001 (aka 'Fulham, Part 4'!)

An ode to visiting the Pop Side kiosk, just as the second half was about to begin...

If at EP you're acting the gent;
Beware actions you'll later repent.
Bought a tea for Mrs Macc;
But by the time I got back;
I'd missed Peter Clark's Goal of the Cent.

amen to that eps. good piece.

great round that rog, although what happened to you on the 15th? think you lost the Open on that one...

my dad managed a hole in one on a par three at high peak golf club. he and my mum were apparently looking for the ball for a minute before he thought to check in the hole! i received an immediate text at work "your dad's just got a hole in one!". the one time i went round there with him, caddying for him, he was dreadful!

sandy: that goal at wycombe will forever be one of the great county memories. we'd been down there for hours, boiling in the may heat before making our sweaty way up the hill from the nearest pub. the 'keeper didn't cover himself in glory, but that sweet strike, the players going mental, and the jubilant pitch invasion all live in our collective mind's eye. the last game of his first loan was great too - a 2-0 win at hereford during the 9/9 run. the county fans singing "one stephen gleeson" at the end, and the player himself clearly emotional.

Just back from Wales after a week in a wifi/mobile black spot.

I will leave week G out there until Wednesday and make the change over on the usual day.

Still some life in this ??

Oh good, cos I've got a belter to kick things off on 'H'!

I think you've just about got that one right, Sandy, but I don't envy you having to pick a winner from such a quality connection.

Well done, Rog, and unlucky to everyone else. They were all excellent.