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Post by sandbachhatter on Dec 7, 2015 10:02:44 GMT
Another Ruined Saturday is your host this week....
Perforations. or more specifically, when perforations go wrong. you put a new roll on the holder, and when it comes to business, you find that it’s not perforated properly, and just tears rather than separates. you get one huge piece and one tiny, useless one, or even worse; two jagged scraps. related to this is when the sheets of your double or luxury triple-ply roll don’t line up, and thus the perforations don’t either. almost makes me want to defecate all day and sh*t out a lung if necessary just so I can get as much of the ruined roll used up as possible and reduce the number of individual trips spoiled by this papery carelessness.
Pulmonates - the order of slugs and snails that can breathe air, and thus the little F**kers we come across. normally they’re in hiding or dead by now, but the unseasonably mild weather has meant that they’re still sliming around. as i have a daily habit of having a bifter or two sitting at my back door while reading, i am still -in december- regularly confronted by eyes on stalks peering round my door frame, glued to my door, or oozing over the boundary, leaving their yucky trails behind. utterly pointless bags of sh*te and puss; precision-targeting only the prettiest plants in the garden. and when i walk down my unlit drive on a summer’s (and latterly winter’s) evening, there’s a splat, crunch, splat underfoot that’s not very nice for them, obviously, but cringe-inducing for me too.
the tiger will probably become extinct in the next few decades. there’ll be a F**KING trillion slugs and snails though. marvellous. can’t we hunt them to extinction instead? let’s face it, they’ve got to be easier to catch…
the F**KING Posnan. i hate most of the crappy foreign chants and celebrations that have come into british football. from our own post-goal euro-dirge, to that “everywhere we go” and “that’s the way we like it, we like it, we like it” trotted out by every tinpot town team’s ‘ultras’ on a match day. there’s hardly any originality in football songs anymore. although the Poznan is most associated with c*ty, they nicked it as you’d guess from the name; then it spread like a particularly virulent STD. it’s just sh*t, 'Soccer AM' whopperness soaked up by tosspots with their own nickname on the back of their oversized third kits. don’t go to the game. stick to your facebook groups. and DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME YOU C##TS.
Get choosing! |
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Post by gazz on Dec 7, 2015 15:59:48 GMT
Great choices, mate, and I'm with you on all three!
I just had to go with the Poznan though, it's just embarrassing enough when fans pinch songs from other clubs, but that was just fist-bitingly cringeworthy! Can we send 'Ci-eh' down with it too?
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Post by countyfan on Dec 7, 2015 16:16:21 GMT
Perforations doesn't bother me as it's the release of the main event that gives me the most pleasure out of my morning ablutions. I don't really care about the state of paper used in the clean up operation because once it's been used a perfect piece of paper is the last thing on my mind!!
I tend to laugh at the fans doing the posman because i've i'd paid over the odds for a ticket to see my team i'd want to see the whole 90 mins.
So because I like and enjoy gardening and spend months waiting for them to burst into life and give the garden a fantastic influx of colour it yanks my crank when I come down in a morning to find so pesky, disgusting, vile little sh*t has been munching on it through the night there can only be one choice for me this week.
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Post by hatter_in_macc on Dec 7, 2015 16:37:21 GMT
The Poznan has come back to bite Citeh on the Poz-terior, by allowing other clubs that one wouldn't normally like very much - Man Ure, Cardiff and Arsenal spring immediately to mind - an opportunity to raise a smile by performing the ritual back at those who pilfered it in the first place.
Perforations... hmm, yes, can be momentarily annoying, but life is probably too short... so:
Pulmonates for me, please, for messing up the garden and, on occasion, getting over the drawbridge and into Macc Towers. Begone, foul creatures!
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Post by sandbachhatter on Dec 7, 2015 18:42:14 GMT
You think he's joking, but I bet he has a drawbridge 'n' all.
Perforations don't bother me as much as countyfan's detailed account of his morning dump.
With an ageing dog in our family, slugs and snails are the last thing on my mind when tiptoeing around the garden.
So, I fall back on rule no.1 in my life. If it has anything to do with United or City, it is inherently evil and must be banished. So the demented kangaroo in the sky blue gets my vote.
Funnily enough, each of my reasons has something to do with sh*t....
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Post by another_ruined_saturday on Dec 7, 2015 19:03:06 GMT
Perforations... hmm, yes, can be momentarily annoying, but life is probably too short... admittedly, it probably falls into the more minor categories of first world problems; but i suppose part of the point is to identify the little things that grind your gears. i could have had 'poverty', but badly perforated toilet paper took the spot instead...  |
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Post by hatter_in_macc on Dec 7, 2015 19:10:16 GMT
Indeed so! And no... erm, panning of your excellent choices was intended...  |
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Post by Epworth Hatter on Dec 7, 2015 20:45:02 GMT
Indeed so! And no... erm, panning of your excellent choices was intended... Oh, macc, that's tearable |
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Post by Epworth Hatter on Dec 7, 2015 21:04:14 GMT
Speaking of which...
As I started life as a scientist(ish), I do feel protective of all God's creatures (the only exception being the wasp, obviously). Unfortunately, they do look grim to us, but to beautiful birds in our gardens, they are haute cuisine. It is a fine site to see a thrush extracting a snail from its shell. A vital part of the food-web, I can't put them in.
The nonsense of the poznan has largely passed me by. I don't watch enough premier league football, and if I do, it isn't c*ty, to notice it.
So, it leaves the trouble with loo roll. Not one I'd have thought of, but when I read it, I was nodding along agreeing with every word! I really do hate it when you get half a sheet. It's a waste as you have to get the other half and an additional piece as you can't risk including a sheet with a tear down the middle! Add the uneven perforation caused by one of the two plys exercising independent thought and unwrapping separately to its other ply - as if it has no responsibility for even perforation - and it's got to go.
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Post by another_ruined_saturday on Dec 7, 2015 23:14:44 GMT
more eloquent than my submission on the toilet rolls eps.
fair enough re. snails, but i thought most things didn't eat slugs - with them not having a shell to protect them, their slime is more noxious isn't it? i'm sure you'll put me right! i note david attenborough hasn't done a 'slime planet' so far though...
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Post by Epworth Hatter on Dec 8, 2015 10:04:14 GMT
fair enough re. snails, but i thought most things didn't eat slugs - with them not having a shell to protect them, their slime is more noxious isn't it? Snails do get a rougher deal on the predator front, but slugs are eaten by hedgehogs, moles and some birds, particularly song thrush. There are also beetles that like to munch slugs, which is a bit grimmer. Incidentally, and if you are still awake  , hedgehogs have been known to overcome the slime by rubbing the slugs on soil to absorb the slime, knock it off and then gobble them up. Pretty smart work from our prickly friends. There's no movement from me, though. The bottom line is that I'm going for number 1 and not number 2. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2015 10:17:40 GMT
Why don't slugs and snails eat weeds?
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Post by ceefer on Dec 8, 2015 19:39:02 GMT
Easy decision for me ......'Pulmonates' closely followed by the rabbit which regularly goes on walkies eating whatever veg is still growing in the garden. Slugs get everywhere and why should I waste good beer in a beer trap? Snails just as bad climbing up the bamboo canes on the toms...
Not really too *rsed about the Perforations..
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Post by another_ruined_saturday on Dec 8, 2015 20:32:25 GMT
Why don't slugs and snails eat weeds? easy. because they're bastards. any botanical theory other than that, eps? now you say it, i did know that hedgehogs and moles eat them - i occasionally get a hedgehog in my garden and always will it to go postal on the f***ers. |
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Post by archie on Dec 9, 2015 19:25:25 GMT
Can't consign any living creature (apart from Mr J Clarkson) so pulmonates are safe.
The Poznan only affects those doing it.
Has to be perforations then.
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